Had a hell of a time trying to set up a damn appointment today. Turns out I the PCP they assigned me was a Pediatrician. How they messed that up I have no idea. Of course, I didn't go into this without a backup plan.

Except that fell apart as well when I called in to arrange an appointment and it turned out they weren't even a general practition. So fuck me I guess. So just decided to go to a company provided website and do the damn research myself instead of relying on sites provided by medicaid and by extention the insurance from it.

Found someone and luckily enough they could take me the same day. So I go see the doc and I think we hit it off pretty well. Tl;dr, no depression diagnosis but some anxiety. Said my sleep is likely to improve with therapy so I'll be getting some within a couple of weeks. till then, he gave me a sleep aid for those rough nights.

Guess we'll see how that pans. out.

Might get a source of income today. Plus, my physical symtoms feel like they're dying down today. Second day in a row I could eat a normal breakfast. In addition, I got wip going on v2 of the main page.

Another day, another annoyance with sleep. Likely anxiety/stress induced. Whatever. I know how to cope with it at least. In case it helps anyone else, I deal with the bathroom stuff and try to sleep to youtubers I like from my phone. If that doesn't work, what always seems to work is the following. Get some tea, get on the couch. Watch youtubers from the big TV there in the living room. This morning, I'm not sure if I actually 'slept.' I sure lied downed long enough to hit my personal 6 hour minimum to be a functioning person. Appitite issues aside, it seems to have worked.

Just need to take things one day at a time.

I'm just getting I don't cope well with health issues now I suppose. I think its because I've always been tough like a bull. So seeing something persist or return I guess is bothering me especially when its new. My sleep is getting worse again. I applied for Medicaid this month and apparently it was granted way earlier in the month and I just wasn't aware until the other day. I hit an urgent care and got diagnosed with acid reflux as expected and oral thrush(nothing like blood work since the place wasn't capable of that). The later is something I actually had years ago. While I think it was a factor, I actually think some granola bars got stuck really hard in my throat somehow as I did cough some up. That aside, it turns out they took the care provider I wanted too and I didn't have confirmation of it till I retreived the papers. So when the office opens I'm gonna setup an appointment for hopefully the same week and get my first annual done in years.

Hope that goes well.

It's mornings that seem to be the roughest; morning always was my least favorite time of day so go figure. Right now eating during it is pretty rough as oats barely go down- though yogurt seems to be easier. Maybe I should try granola and yogurt for breakfast.

Exactly four months to the date I start writing this. I hit a breakdown almost a month ago.

I won't blame you if you don't wanna read this.

For those that persist...

It feels like a real labor putting things back together. It's not something I've ever dealt with before. One of the worst parts so far is the sheer blurring between my physical symtomps begin caused by stress or actually bodily issues. One example was when I was having throat and acid reflux issues. I thought the coughing it was causing was a stress reaction. Something else that has come up is my stomach's ability to digest.

Normally it could handle anything, but right now I have to be careful. It feels to easy to upset it some days. My usual cafe is even giving my issues with their food. I could normally enjoy it but now it feels like food poisoning some time after I ate it. Granted, it could be that I've gotten bad food on consequetively on seperate days. Closer to the start of this, my appitite was hardly there. It's a lot better now, but as I'm writing this today feels like another one of those early days.

Still prior to the last time I tried eating there I've come a long way. Even now I think my appitite is returning as I type this.

Another issue was contending with facial tension. It's not so much an issue now, but I had pretty bad facial tension that I wasn't even aware was a thing until I started some exercises to deal with it alongside some cream. Early on it was burdensome enough to make things miserable.

Now though, it hardly ever comes up. A good sign that I'm recovering.

I think the shot to my ego is the thing that blurs the line of easiest to most difficult thing to manage. Some days, like today it feels impossible to maintain my usual attitude and strength. That of itself feels like a compounding effect because in my friend groups the pillar of strength for others shtick is something I personally take a lot of pride in.

Days switched from "Damn, I'm out of time already?" to "It's still not time yet?" Some days I was concerned that time was passing too quickly but a lot days since the break I've had the "It's not time yet?" problem as I've started entrenching myself really hard in routine to help cope. Busy work on a different game^a. If nothing else, I have to admit it has helped make me very productive. (Still unemployed though.)

Another is health anxiety even though the worst sickness I've ever had in my life was getting a (likely) variant of Coronavirus from my aunt who came to visit while sick and hitting me with that. God damn did the first few days of that make me absolutely miserable. I had to go everywhere for a couple of weeks with a tissue box and a bag. Not to mention the first day where I ran out of water to drink. It's funny thinking about it really as bad as it was.

Something else to have come out of it is nasal discharge going down my throat that is sometimes really annoying and other times negligible. I think that one is mostly connected with the food though.

Don't get me started on coffee either. After the start of this I can no longer handle caffine at all. It now just fucks with my emotions. This whole thing is already causing me some anxiety, I don't any more of it.

A lot of it just feels like that I'm my own worst enemy. Everything coming out about the lack of career progress. Having a future dangled infront of me. Months of the latter and then almost two years of the former di dit.

At the end of the day all the physical stuff aside.

I am my own worst enemy.

a - Details to come another post in the future; don't worry about it.

After a lot of pain and help, the first chunk of Excursion in Dragonia is up. It took a while so I hope it pays off.I also made some long due updates to the default style of the site. I neglected to mention it, but I left contact details on the About page a while ago. I guess it slipped my mind. I also discovered the power of webP's compression and will being using them. Or rather, I already have. In additon, I've started picking up traditional art and are hoping to at least get decent enough anatomy wise to do it digitally.

I have discovered the power of WebP. Also Rabi-Ribi is now on the media-log.

Who would've thought that putting in scaled down versions of multi MB images would take longer to load? I certainly didn't make that mistake just not and try to fix it, nope. I also uploaded another story featuring Nocturia.

Throwing up a media log because I think it might be fun and also a way to play more with html and css. As well, I also added a last modified detail to all pages(hopefully). Finally, I got a fucking repo setup for this. Should have done it way sooner instead of letting it drag on swapping on and off a flash drive.

Posted one of my works that I wrote about half a month ago that I'm now showing publically. It was pretty fun to put together some of the ideas I had while playing Morrowind into something.

The site is officially open for business (or lack thereof) as incomplete as it is. Copypastaing from the about page, here is why this place exists now.

"When I found out about neocities I chatted about it with a friend the idea of having a place to call their own came up. So I decided to do just that for myself too. Complete in (mostly) web-safe colors like we're still using 16-bit colors."