04-16-2025

• I don't know why using article fixes this panel, but it does and I guess it will be done this way from now on. Will have to make more adjustments later.

04-04-2025

• Got a reusuable JS-based navbar made. Gonna start rolling it out to pages other than this one.

Having one of those days where it feels like I need to keep budy or else I drive myself up the wall. Feels like there's so much to do but so little time. Not just work either, but stuff with friends. So many games to finish among other things. At some point I want to start this big AP thing where I go through it and talk about shit and upload it. On top of that, I also wanna start uploading my art process of getting to where I am today. For the most part, that consists of drawings out of first sketch book. Book being more like those 300 page notebooks. Dunno if it would do me any good, but eh it might be something to keep me busy I suppose till the next day where I hope I'll feel better.

Got it done, stopped by a Panera for a big lunch. Ended up getting a tetanus shot while I was there. Ladies doing the shot and bloodwork were great. I hardly noticed the first and the second one I wasn't aware of until she came up front to let me know it was done. Second lady was interesting- she explained her proficency in doing this so well was because her own daughter had fainting issues getting blood drawn. That's really nice.

Been mostly quiet on it, but I've been practicing art on and off- it used to be more consistant before the breakdown, but I've been trying to return to it. I should probably get to those art gallery pages sometime this month. I haven't even played Blue Archive, but give this shit a read, it's pretty good.

Sure has been a while. Things have been pretty quiet for the most part. Might change soon though. Gonna be challenging a friend on something. I don't know how it will go, but as their senpai I do feel obligated to do so. They put a lot of thought and effort into their personal work. That much is obvious. Though, with how they describe why they choose their style it leaves me with the impression that selecting aspects for their style for pure enjoyment or for fun of doing so it such an afterthought that it's not even a consideration. It might be differing view points but if it is true that would be something I find completely and utterly depressing.

What am I hoping to do? I don't know. Ideally, I'm entirely wrong about this and I can bury this line of thought.

Otherwise?

I suppose at that point, I can try to bring this up to their notice and they'll realize it. Maybe it would help them work out of their artistic slump. It might just be a mismatch of view points, but I'm not seeing how putting such effort into meaning to the exclusion of all else makes for doing something a good time. It feels like it would lead to looking for meaning where there is none to be found. Does art always have to have some meaning to be cared about as more than pixels or splotches of colors on a canvas? Is creation worthless without meaning?

I don't think it does. It's just fun to create things, even without meaning. I've been writing characters for games just because I want to play the game- any meaning for them was an afterthought at best. For characters unrelated to games, I just wanted to make them. Shit, I end up creating a lot of female characters just because I want to make cute/hot/sexy girls. Is there anything wrong with creating for the fun of it? Why should everything have to have a meaning to it? ^{Note to self, really get to that cat girl.} P.S. If you're seeing this, and you know who you are. I hope I'm wrong in my assumptions.

Went to get a quick check up for an unrelated issue. Turns out no, the referrla wasn't resolved and my doc now has to get in contact with the people responsible for handling the referral to get it rolling. That aside, friend of mine is starting a new Final Fantasy d20 campaign for this week.

Turns out there was an issue with my therapy referral that should hopefully be resolved now. I hope. If nothing else, at least I have the info nessecary to make the call myself.

Had a hell of a time trying to set up a damn appointment today. Turns out I the PCP they assigned me was a Pediatrician. How they messed that up I have no idea. Of course, I didn't go into this without a backup plan.

Except that fell apart as well when I called in to arrange an appointment and it turned out they weren't even a general practition. So fuck me I guess. So just decided to go to a company provided website and do the damn research myself instead of relying on sites provided by medicaid and by extention the insurance from it.

Found someone and luckily enough they could take me the same day. So I go see the doc and I think we hit it off pretty well. Tl;dr, no depression diagnosis but some anxiety. Said my sleep is likely to improve with therapy so I'll be getting some within a couple of weeks. till then, he gave me a sleep aid for those rough nights.

Guess we'll see how that pans. out.

Might get a source of income today. Plus, my physical symtoms feel like they're dying down today. Second day in a row I could eat a normal breakfast. In addition, I got wip going on v2 of the main page.

Another day, another annoyance with sleep. Likely anxiety/stress induced. Whatever. I know how to cope with it at least. In case it helps anyone else, I deal with the bathroom stuff and try to sleep to youtubers I like from my phone. If that doesn't work, what always seems to work is the following. Get some tea, get on the couch. Watch youtubers from the big TV there in the living room. This morning, I'm not sure if I actually 'slept.' I sure lied downed long enough to hit my personal 6 hour minimum to be a functioning person. Appitite issues aside, it seems to have worked.

Just need to take things one day at a time.

I'm just getting I don't cope well with health issues now I suppose. I think its because I've always been tough like a bull. So seeing something persist or return I guess is bothering me especially when its new. My sleep is getting worse again. I applied for Medicaid this month and apparently it was granted way earlier in the month and I just wasn't aware until the other day. I hit an urgent care and got diagnosed with acid reflux as expected and oral thrush(nothing like blood work since the place wasn't capable of that). The later is something I actually had years ago. While I think it was a factor, I actually think some granola bars got stuck really hard in my throat somehow as I did cough some up. That aside, it turns out they took the care provider I wanted too and I didn't have confirmation of it till I retreived the papers. So when the office opens I'm gonna setup an appointment for hopefully the same week and get my first annual done in years.

Hope that goes well.

It's mornings that seem to be the roughest; morning always was my least favorite time of day so go figure. Right now eating during it is pretty rough as oats barely go down- though yogurt seems to be easier. Maybe I should try granola and yogurt for breakfast.

Exactly four months to the date I start writing this. I hit a breakdown almost a month ago.

I won't blame you if you don't wanna read this.

For those that persist...

It feels like a real labor putting things back together. It's not something I've ever dealt with before. One of the worst parts so far is the sheer blurring between my physical symtomps begin caused by stress or actually bodily issues. One example was when I was having throat and acid reflux issues. I thought the coughing it was causing was a stress reaction. Something else that has come up is my stomach's ability to digest.

Normally it could handle anything, but right now I have to be careful. It feels to easy to upset it some days. My usual cafe is even giving my issues with their food. I could normally enjoy it but now it feels like food poisoning some time after I ate it. Granted, it could be that I've gotten bad food on consequetively on seperate days. Closer to the start of this, my appitite was hardly there. It's a lot better now, but as I'm writing this today feels like another one of those early days.

Still prior to the last time I tried eating there I've come a long way. Even now I think my appitite is returning as I type this.

Another issue was contending with facial tension. It's not so much an issue now, but I had pretty bad facial tension that I wasn't even aware was a thing until I started some exercises to deal with it alongside some cream. Early on it was burdensome enough to make things miserable.

Now though, it hardly ever comes up. A good sign that I'm recovering.

I think the shot to my ego is the thing that blurs the line of easiest to most difficult thing to manage. Some days, like today it feels impossible to maintain my usual attitude and strength. That of itself feels like a compounding effect because in my friend groups the pillar of strength for others shtick is something I personally take a lot of pride in.

Days switched from "Damn, I'm out of time already?" to "It's still not time yet?" Some days I was concerned that time was passing too quickly but a lot days since the break I've had the "It's not time yet?" problem as I've started entrenching myself really hard in routine to help cope. Busy work on a different game^a. If nothing else, I have to admit it has helped make me very productive. (Still unemployed though.)

Another is health anxiety even though the worst sickness I've ever had in my life was getting a (likely) variant of Coronavirus from my aunt who came to visit while sick and hitting me with that. God damn did the first few days of that make me absolutely miserable. I had to go everywhere for a couple of weeks with a tissue box and a bag. Not to mention the first day where I ran out of water to drink. It's funny thinking about it really as bad as it was.

Something else to have come out of it is nasal discharge going down my throat that is sometimes really annoying and other times negligible. I think that one is mostly connected with the food though.

Don't get me started on coffee either. After the start of this I can no longer handle caffine at all. It now just fucks with my emotions. This whole thing is already causing me some anxiety, I don't any more of it.

A lot of it just feels like that I'm my own worst enemy. Everything coming out about the lack of career progress. Having a future dangled infront of me. Months of the latter and then almost two years of the former di dit.

At the end of the day all the physical stuff aside.

I am my own worst enemy.

a - Details to come another post in the future; don't worry about it.

After a lot of pain and help, the first chunk of Excursion in Dragonia is up. It took a while so I hope it pays off.I also made some long due updates to the default style of the site. I neglected to mention it, but I left contact details on the About page a while ago. I guess it slipped my mind. I also discovered the power of webP's compression and will being using them. Or rather, I already have. In additon, I've started picking up traditional art and are hoping to at least get decent enough anatomy wise to do it digitally.

I have discovered the power of WebP. Also Rabi-Ribi is now on the media-log.

Who would've thought that putting in scaled down versions of multi MB images would take longer to load? I certainly didn't make that mistake just not and try to fix it, nope. I also uploaded another story featuring Nocturia.

Throwing up a media log because I think it might be fun and also a way to play more with html and css. As well, I also added a last modified detail to all pages(hopefully). Finally, I got a fucking repo setup for this. Should have done it way sooner instead of letting it drag on swapping on and off a flash drive.

Posted one of my works that I wrote about half a month ago that I'm now showing publically. It was pretty fun to put together some of the ideas I had while playing Morrowind into something.

The site is officially open for business (or lack thereof) as incomplete as it isz. Copypastaing from the about page, here is why this place exists now.

"When I found out about neocities I chatted about it with a friend the idea of having a place to call their own came up. So I decided to do just that for myself too. Complete in (mostly) web-safe colors like we're still using 16-bit colors."