04-16-2025

• I don't know why using article fixes this panel, but it does and I guess it will be done this way from now on. Will have to make more adjustments later.

04-04-2025

• Got a reusuable JS-based navbar made. Gonna start rolling it out to pages other than this one.

So, what do I even say about this year? Well, I guess its review time.

Janurary  

I don't remember much of it honestly. The end of the month was when my break down occured. The day previous to it. Were on the drive back home when I was chatting to my good friend Ahimay about a character I was making based on a Wyvern I had in Elin and the erotica I was thinking about.(Got thrown on the backburner due to the breakdown).

The next day I felt terrible. My head felt weird, I felt cold and had goose bumps often go up the left side of my head. I ended up rushing a thermometer and testing myself cause I thought I was becoming ill. My temp checked out okay so I tried to go and do my usual stuff, working on the non-erotic game I've been working on for a couple of months at that point. But yeah, by the time I got home and had a chance to talk to my mom that's pretty much when the damn broke on literally everything I kept bottled up since I got the boot from work during the financial institutation down turn of 2023. That definitely put my out of commission for a while, I couldn't even program correctly.

More of the same. mostly. Got convinced to get on Medicane and to go see a doctor. Still couldn't really do anything constructive otherwise.

Who would have guessed more of nothing. Ah, also if you're curious about that FFd20 game that's the one where I played Ti'a. Campaign came to a screeching halt some months later because DM at the time had severe internet issues. Hasn't picked up again even after those were fixed unfortunately. Oh yeah, I got that referral. Never ended up finding a therapist though. I still have it so I should really get on it.

I think mostly the same. Towards the end I apparently picked up illustration again. The sketch book right now is about half-60% full right now by the way. Unfortunately that AP never really started for reasons I'm not sure.

I tried my hand at the present, but I just wasn't skilled enough for it. I lacked any kind of anatomical experience outside of the head at that point. Ahimay still liked the duelist design I tried for Lunette though. Speaking from now though, I do have a much better handle on it. I think breasts and nethers still need work though. Got upset at having to go out of state for my sister on my birthday. My appaointment went well and I got recommended some stretches. It was a really slow recovery process but right now my back is pretty much how it was before that trip to Panama.

I tried to do a lot here. Euphoric Adventures is still in an incomplete state sadly. I still recall Dream Machine being a a hard lesson in feature creep. I really should have gone for feature parity first with Cocoron but I let myself get far, far too ambitious with my movement code. No complications from dental. PNGTuber is still on the backburner.

First game is pretty much not very far. Conceptually having access to a lot policy decision I think will end up being a break

The second however has been developing. You can gather materials and stuff from locales. Racial and personal statistics are implemented as well as a placeholder quiz for player starting kit that is along the lines of Daggerfall's. It doesn't sound like much, but materials have quality and the crafting part has a lot moving parts so far. No sexy time stuff yet unfortunately. I also haven't settled how I want your actions to be visually represented as of yet.

July I honestly don't remember too, too well, just silently working on art on and off and gamedev. I think this is when I picked up Mana Khemia actually. It's pretty fun and I like the characters. Beastman girl(who I can't recall the name of sadly) wants to have a lot of kids and I am all for providing them and for them. Wife material.

Same here actually.

PRobably when things started getting interesting again as I was tackling full body anatomy for the first time. I think this is alos when my sister got her new boyfriend.

Had a real scare with a chipped tooth, but it was just an old courton according to the dentist. I'm thankful they could see me so quickly but I am not thankful for the price. I also started trying to draw an actual OC for once. Celsi, who seems to be the most popular out of my characters for the campaign Trials of Venterra. Also the one I'm having trouble with the nethers of because I haven't fonud a good way draw them yet. I'll toss some WIPs at the bottom here.

Probably the most normal I've had things for a long time. I had some mostly steady income and the family life is stable. Had a bit of a bomb at the end because my sister's boyfriend said some dumb shit he shouldn't have and instead of him and my sister apologizing they instead immediately went to changinging topics. Yeah, that didn't make for a good dinner. Also at the end, a couple friends of mine and I started playing some ATLYSS. Made a hot birb OC out of it, will also post WIP at the end too.

Was pretty good actually till the end. My dad decided he wanted everything done as early as possible, calling my sleep schedule an acceptable casulty for the trip to celebrate a late christmas. That actually fucked me up and threw my head out of whack since then I haven't quite recovered fully but it is getting better. It still has been unpleasant since then though. Gig also up and suddenly RIP'd. So figuring out cash is gonna be important again.

All right, been a while. I ended up with the drive to work on one of my projects more so story time fell by the wayside much like this update. Recovery from fillings pretty much went as expected. They feel uniform now with the rest of my teeth. Anyone following my on twitch probably found I entered MechJam VI as expected. In a comment on the entry into I explain what happened there so I won't repeat it aside from a tl;dr.

Dream Machine ended up being a pretty bad failure as far as an entry goes. Funny enough, on par with Minerva honestly. The only difference here is the backend. They look about the same in terms of completeness from the outside but I've got a really fucking nice controller if I do say so myself. Sadly, I spent too much time on it compared to content and graphics. I've been developing art skills so I at least wanted to show some off. Not this time it seems. Maybe I can try to find an easier jam to enter to try and do so.

What else? Well, I got my regular eye exam and got referred to a specialist by my optometrist because even with corrective lenses my right eye still can't see correctly. Appointment was earlier this week. Turns out my right eye has teratoconus. Basically the proteins or whatever in my coronea are weak, so they basically slowly turn from a foot ball to a cone. My specialist recommended I get cross-linking done. Which should stop any further changes though there is no way to repair the damage done. If I want to see correctly through that right eye, I'll need a hard contact lense. Fortunately, it looks like medicaid will cover it so I don't have to worry about that front. Just trying to get this arranged will be the hard part since it might cause some conflicts.

That sure explained a lot to me, especially why I can't see laser sights correctly if I try to handle them as normal for someone with my handedness. For reference, I'm right handed but I guess unconsciously because of my eye I handle firearms as if I'm left handed. I do infact play First Person Shooters and Third Person Shooters as if I'm right handed however if anyone is curious.

Since it could be genetic, I tried to warn my immediate family about it. I'm hoping to figure out if this starts with me or if it could have come from my parents. Folks were fine with trying to get testing for it arranged at their next appointment. My sister, not so much. Turns out she got pretty mad about it. I know she already has eye problems but I am just trying to look out for her as much of a dick she is to us. She thinks her doctor would have noticed it if she had it already but I only found out because to my practice a new machine was going to be delivered after last years appoint and my eye doc as me to come again at that time.

So what else has been going on and on mind?

• Well, trying to debut as a PNGTuber is still living rent free in my head. I haven't seens anyone else do the idea of a normal VTuber showing and then have a sort of after dark segment where things are more real. So I think if I ever get to it, having video formats that follow a sort of day time showing(by VTuber standards) and then a more real after dark one would be the format I try to tackle. Not only because I believe it to be interesting, but also because I think it would leave me more room for self-expression of more adult topics. I'd probably mark both at 18+ as a precaution. Still, thinking about it this way makes me think of going from watching Toonami to Adult Swim.
  
  On the busines side, streaming would be significantly more profitable, but I feel like I'm pretty bad at being on the spot and concentration on games makes me quiet without others to play off of. Probably a scripted format would be better for me to work with.
• Trying to leverage my artistic skills to draw cute girls. Though to be frank cute girls already live rent free. Which is why I make so many of them to begin with. Also that making stuff is just fun.
• As of my 'relaxation' projects, I started working on a couple of brain children that are basically born for my desire of wanting lewds but also good game. They're basically only being made for myself so I don't know if I'll ever release them publically or much less ever get far in them but they do make for good outlets in release this kind of creativity; even it does end with my going all over the place in doing stuff because I like creating and writing structures a lot. This part is very 18+ with extreme fetishes discussed so this is your only warning. Both kind of branch from one another-
  
  
  • first being what's basically the first two classic X-CoM games, except with more monster girls and combat running on my own dumb modiified d20 system. The story I want for that would follow the structure of a Venus Blood game with a simple branching path based on a singular choice or two you make during the game. I also oddly enough want it to focus on how you conduct your business through a detailed policy and recruitment system. So if you want to run clean and above board, you can do so. If you want to run like a lot of modern companies or dirtier, I want to allow that too- indentured servitutde, unfair contracts, trafficking, slavery. Unethical experiments. Of course, doing these types of things without covering it up effectively will lead to consequences down the line as most governments wouldn't like it but you might find the rewards well worth it.
    
    The question wouldn't be, 'what won't the game let me do to innocent people' so much as, how bad are you and can you get away with it? I also do want a complex transformation and corruption system you an use or 'inflict' onto units. Simply because its hot and I think weaponizing that shit sounds like fun.
    
    Like the second one, I'm interested in deal with some breeding mechanics it it would probably only be limited to artifical units/ aritifically grown children like from experience. Kind of like... Rei from Eva if I heard correctly? More detailed breeding mechanics are the second game's juristiction.
  
  
  
  • The second also follows a modified d20 system, but its in an idle game format that is centered around a gacha system for obtaining characters. This isn't the only way of obtaining workers but it is something I want the game to revolve around. The idea being that they are important but once they plateu the only way to advance them futher is to use them to create first generation children and then the results of that pass onto the parents, creating a loop of figuring out how to optimize that. Mechanics have noting behind them yet, but the primary partner should be the player. As they are a worker themselves and males are only available as basically monsters or animals.
    
    Aside from being used for increasing stats, the kids will act as extra workers you can use. However, they won't be able to have their own, as generation caps will be hard capped as a progression mechanism. That aside, wild monster girls can be captured as well. However, if you want them or most normal girls to get into unethical breeding then it will be required to raise either their loyalty or obedience stats to effectively make them diehard loyal, break their resistance, or you at some point an option would open up to just use enough bondage and force them into it at the cost of basically leaving them unusable for anything else.
    
    Gameplay wise, materials would be obtained through sending people to locales, where the characters would explore them in a manner similar to an automated dungeon crawl, where various skills will be used to gather stuff. Skills themselves would be capped by the governing ability score and only be raised when they gain attribute exp from having kids.

Still at work on my end. That side, got some fillings done and had to go in for a follow up on one since it was giving me some issues. Good people, saw me same day and we got it fixed up and I got some more info and advice. The problem child was close to the root, so it will take some time to heal. From two weeks to a month. Hopefully its sooner but good to know it wasn't a serious problem.

Been a while, so I'm just making an update to let you guys know I'm still kicking around. Old man lost his job but we're all taking it in stride for now. The HR lady hated his guts first time they met, so it was an inevitability I suppose. That aside, here's a snipped of a side project/oneshot I'm doing of a CYOA. Background for this happening is that a friend is finally being more true to himself after holding himself back while in his last relationship. I had a feeling that it was the case, but even if I brought up my concerns about it being bad, I don' think he would have listened at the time. Anyway, this is based on Euphoric Adventures(NSFW). Enjoy the snippet. Its not long before I can hear Tyra's wings as she comes from behind me. She brings me to a stand as I can feel pain beginning to leave my body.

---

“Help stabilize my right arm. Make sure its healed first.” I whisper to the angel.

I don't dare take my attention off the cow as the machina woman gets in front of me, looking worse off than the cow in front of us.

“Galatea. When I give the signal, move out of my way.”

I can see her body flinch at the command, but she doesn't give any other acknowledgment.

“It's over!” Houri is charging once again.

50 feet. I clutch [I N F I N I T Y].

40 feet. I'm bringing it up.

30 feet. I have [Taken Aim] on her torso.

20 feet. “Now!”

Galatea leaps to the side and Houri now can clearly see my firearm, too late to stop.

"Jackpot."

I pull the trigger. I can feel the internal hammer swing and ignite the primer and the cartridge inside. The muzzle flash and then the firearm pushing back in my hands as the slide does, cycling out the spent round. 11 rounds left.

Time comes back to normal as the cow stumbles and crashes into Tyra and sending the three of us into a heap onto the ground.

Title pretty much. Upper back feels like it didn't rest throughout the night. Wonder if its related to that one night in a hotel back in Panama. Anyway, I got an appointment to get it checked on Friday. Wonder what'll happen. Hot water and post wroking out the muscles calmed it down. Got something writing in the works.

Just saying I'm kicking around I suppose. Feel like chatting cause I can really. Present went over really well, despite it being wholly unfinished. A full body is still biting off far more than I can chew for my skill level evidently. My own is eventually coming up.

Bout what it says mostly. I ended up recently realizing that I definitely have a new type- or maybe it was always there. Anyway, it was definitely showing up on some designing I have in the back. Basically, bangs covering one eye followed by a high and long single pony tail. I.E, see the Yugioh card Harpie Queen. Who is also a wife.

Friend birthday coming up, so I decide to push my art skills to limit in making something for them. Hope they like it. In other words, an older game proposed by a friend finally started, so El will eventually get an OC page for herself. It's running on Basic Fantasy, so an OSR(Old-School Rennisance[can't be bother to spell it correctly right now]) ttrpg. That aside, at some point this week I've decided that I think I'm experienced enought to crack at making my own d20 system.

Still haven't gotten any word from a new psyche practice. Been about a week, so I'll have to get a hold of my doc see where that's going and also anything on a follow up. That aside, the date is getting close a friend's birthday and my own. Hoping to make some art for them but we'll see how that goes with my limited skills.

Having one of those days where it feels like I need to keep budy or else I drive myself up the wall. Feels like there's so much to do but so little time. Not just work either, but stuff with friends. So many games to finish among other things. At some point I want to start this big AP thing where I go through it and talk about shit and upload it. On top of that, I also wanna start uploading my art process of getting to where I am today. For the most part, that consists of drawings out of first sketch book. Book being more like those 300 page notebooks. Dunno if it would do me any good, but eh it might be something to keep me busy I suppose till the next day where I hope I'll feel better.

Got it done, stopped by a Panera for a big lunch. Ended up getting a tetanus shot while I was there. Ladies doing the shot and bloodwork were great. I hardly noticed the first and the second one I wasn't aware of until she came up front to let me know it was done. Second lady was interesting- she explained her proficency in doing this so well was because her own daughter had fainting issues getting blood drawn. That's really nice.

Been mostly quiet on it, but I've been practicing art on and off- it used to be more consistant before the breakdown, but I've been trying to return to it. I should probably get to those art gallery pages sometime this month. I haven't even played Blue Archive, but give this shit a read, it's pretty good.

Sure has been a while. Things have been pretty quiet for the most part. Might change soon though. Gonna be challenging a friend on something. I don't know how it will go, but as their senpai I do feel obligated to do so. They put a lot of thought and effort into their personal work. That much is obvious. Though, with how they describe why they choose their style it leaves me with the impression that selecting aspects for their style for pure enjoyment or for fun of doing so it such an afterthought that it's not even a consideration. It might be differing view points but if it is true that would be something I find completely and utterly depressing.

What am I hoping to do? I don't know. Ideally, I'm entirely wrong about this and I can bury this line of thought.

Otherwise?

I suppose at that point, I can try to bring this up to their notice and they'll realize it. Maybe it would help them work out of their artistic slump. It might just be a mismatch of view points, but I'm not seeing how putting such effort into meaning to the exclusion of all else makes for doing something a good time. It feels like it would lead to looking for meaning where there is none to be found. Does art always have to have some meaning to be cared about as more than pixels or splotches of colors on a canvas? Is creation worthless without meaning?

I don't think it does. It's just fun to create things, even without meaning. I've been writing characters for games just because I want to play the game- any meaning for them was an afterthought at best. For characters unrelated to games, I just wanted to make them. Shit, I end up creating a lot of female characters just because I want to make cute/hot/sexy girls. Is there anything wrong with creating for the fun of it? Why should everything have to have a meaning to it? ^{Note to self, really get to that cat girl.} P.S. If you're seeing this, and you know who you are. I hope I'm wrong in my assumptions.

Went to get a quick check up for an unrelated issue. Turns out no, the referrla wasn't resolved and my doc now has to get in contact with the people responsible for handling the referral to get it rolling. That aside, friend of mine is starting a new Final Fantasy d20 campaign for this week.

Turns out there was an issue with my therapy referral that should hopefully be resolved now. I hope. If nothing else, at least I have the info nessecary to make the call myself.

Had a hell of a time trying to set up a damn appointment today. Turns out I the PCP they assigned me was a Pediatrician. How they messed that up I have no idea. Of course, I didn't go into this without a backup plan.

Except that fell apart as well when I called in to arrange an appointment and it turned out they weren't even a general practition. So fuck me I guess. So just decided to go to a company provided website and do the damn research myself instead of relying on sites provided by medicaid and by extention the insurance from it.

Found someone and luckily enough they could take me the same day. So I go see the doc and I think we hit it off pretty well. Tl;dr, no depression diagnosis but some anxiety. Said my sleep is likely to improve with therapy so I'll be getting some within a couple of weeks. till then, he gave me a sleep aid for those rough nights.

Guess we'll see how that pans. out.

Might get a source of income today. Plus, my physical symtoms feel like they're dying down today. Second day in a row I could eat a normal breakfast. In addition, I got wip going on v2 of the main page.

Another day, another annoyance with sleep. Likely anxiety/stress induced. Whatever. I know how to cope with it at least. In case it helps anyone else, I deal with the bathroom stuff and try to sleep to youtubers I like from my phone. If that doesn't work, what always seems to work is the following. Get some tea, get on the couch. Watch youtubers from the big TV there in the living room. This morning, I'm not sure if I actually 'slept.' I sure lied downed long enough to hit my personal 6 hour minimum to be a functioning person. Appitite issues aside, it seems to have worked.

Just need to take things one day at a time.

I'm just getting I don't cope well with health issues now I suppose. I think its because I've always been tough like a bull. So seeing something persist or return I guess is bothering me especially when its new. My sleep is getting worse again. I applied for Medicaid this month and apparently it was granted way earlier in the month and I just wasn't aware until the other day. I hit an urgent care and got diagnosed with acid reflux as expected and oral thrush(nothing like blood work since the place wasn't capable of that). The later is something I actually had years ago. While I think it was a factor, I actually think some granola bars got stuck really hard in my throat somehow as I did cough some up. That aside, it turns out they took the care provider I wanted too and I didn't have confirmation of it till I retreived the papers. So when the office opens I'm gonna setup an appointment for hopefully the same week and get my first annual done in years.

Hope that goes well.

It's mornings that seem to be the roughest; morning always was my least favorite time of day so go figure. Right now eating during it is pretty rough as oats barely go down- though yogurt seems to be easier. Maybe I should try granola and yogurt for breakfast.

Exactly four months to the date I start writing this. I hit a breakdown almost a month ago.

I won't blame you if you don't wanna read this.

For those that persist...

It feels like a real labor putting things back together. It's not something I've ever dealt with before. One of the worst parts so far is the sheer blurring between my physical symtomps begin caused by stress or actually bodily issues. One example was when I was having throat and acid reflux issues. I thought the coughing it was causing was a stress reaction. Something else that has come up is my stomach's ability to digest.

Normally it could handle anything, but right now I have to be careful. It feels to easy to upset it some days. My usual cafe is even giving my issues with their food. I could normally enjoy it but now it feels like food poisoning some time after I ate it. Granted, it could be that I've gotten bad food on consequetively on seperate days. Closer to the start of this, my appitite was hardly there. It's a lot better now, but as I'm writing this today feels like another one of those early days.

Still prior to the last time I tried eating there I've come a long way. Even now I think my appitite is returning as I type this.

Another issue was contending with facial tension. It's not so much an issue now, but I had pretty bad facial tension that I wasn't even aware was a thing until I started some exercises to deal with it alongside some cream. Early on it was burdensome enough to make things miserable.

Now though, it hardly ever comes up. A good sign that I'm recovering.

I think the shot to my ego is the thing that blurs the line of easiest to most difficult thing to manage. Some days, like today it feels impossible to maintain my usual attitude and strength. That of itself feels like a compounding effect because in my friend groups the pillar of strength for others shtick is something I personally take a lot of pride in.

Days switched from "Damn, I'm out of time already?" to "It's still not time yet?" Some days I was concerned that time was passing too quickly but a lot days since the break I've had the "It's not time yet?" problem as I've started entrenching myself really hard in routine to help cope. Busy work on a different game^a. If nothing else, I have to admit it has helped make me very productive. (Still unemployed though.)

Another is health anxiety even though the worst sickness I've ever had in my life was getting a (likely) variant of Coronavirus from my aunt who came to visit while sick and hitting me with that. God damn did the first few days of that make me absolutely miserable. I had to go everywhere for a couple of weeks with a tissue box and a bag. Not to mention the first day where I ran out of water to drink. It's funny thinking about it really as bad as it was.

Something else to have come out of it is nasal discharge going down my throat that is sometimes really annoying and other times negligible. I think that one is mostly connected with the food though.

Don't get me started on coffee either. After the start of this I can no longer handle caffine at all. It now just fucks with my emotions. This whole thing is already causing me some anxiety, I don't any more of it.

A lot of it just feels like that I'm my own worst enemy. Everything coming out about the lack of career progress. Having a future dangled infront of me. Months of the latter and then almost two years of the former di dit.

At the end of the day all the physical stuff aside.

I am my own worst enemy.

a - Details to come another post in the future; don't worry about it.

After a lot of pain and help, the first chunk of Excursion in Dragonia is up. It took a while so I hope it pays off.I also made some long due updates to the default style of the site. I neglected to mention it, but I left contact details on the About page a while ago. I guess it slipped my mind. I also discovered the power of webP's compression and will being using them. Or rather, I already have. In additon, I've started picking up traditional art and are hoping to at least get decent enough anatomy wise to do it digitally.

I have discovered the power of WebP. Also Rabi-Ribi is now on the media-log.

Who would've thought that putting in scaled down versions of multi MB images would take longer to load? I certainly didn't make that mistake just not and try to fix it, nope. I also uploaded another story featuring Nocturia.

Throwing up a media log because I think it might be fun and also a way to play more with html and css. As well, I also added a last modified detail to all pages(hopefully). Finally, I got a fucking repo setup for this. Should have done it way sooner instead of letting it drag on swapping on and off a flash drive.

Posted one of my works that I wrote about half a month ago that I'm now showing publically. It was pretty fun to put together some of the ideas I had while playing Morrowind into something.

The site is officially open for business (or lack thereof) as incomplete as it isz. Copypastaing from the about page, here is why this place exists now.

"When I found out about neocities I chatted about it with a friend the idea of having a place to call their own came up. So I decided to do just that for myself too. Complete in (mostly) web-safe colors like we're still using 16-bit colors."